Grad '68/Transcript
Brent Leroy: What's with the new symbols? Lacey Burrows: I wouldn't call them new. These are the ancient roman symbols for male and female. Brent: Ah. We get a lot of ancient Romans been stopping by lately? Lacey: Brent, they lend an air of sophistication to the place. They're classy. Brent: Not so classy when a farmer wets his pants because he can't figure out which can to use. Lacey: Everybody knows what these mean. Brent: I don't think so. People will say, "hey, am I a fat guy shootin' arrows or a fat guy fightin' vampires?" Lacey: Fighting vampires? Brent: Yeah, the cross, there. Lacey: You're not giving people enough credit. They're going to figure this out. Hank Yarbo: Brent, what have you done with the washroom in there? It's beautiful. Lacey: Hank is not a good example. Lacey: How much does this paper cost again? Wanda Dollard: It's free. But if you subscribe, you get a calculator. Lacey: Gosh, this is the worst editorial I've ever read. "Give a hoot, stamp out graffiti." Well, first of all it doesn't even rhyme. Wanda: Well, it's not exactly the New York Times. Lacey: It's "give a hoot, don't pollute." Everybody knows that. They're ripping off Smokey the Bear. Wanda: That's not Smokey the Bear. Lacey: It isn't? Wanda: Do you know any bears that hoot? It's Woodsy the Owl. Lacey: Oh, yeah. He's good too. Wanda: So why are you reading it if you hate it so much? Lacey: Oh well, I called them to tell them I was having "Wings Wednesdays." I was hoping I could get a plug. Wanda: Did you make it clear you were talking about chicken wings? Lacey: What else could I be talking about? Wanda: "Wings", the TV show. Lacey: Hmm? Wanda: It was the "Dharma and Greg" of its day. Lacey: Right. Well, I don't see why can't I at least get a mention? Wanda: Well, I don't understand the Howler either, and I used to write for it. Lacey: Oh, Wanda, that's a great idea. I'll write for the Howler. Wanda: When did I say that? Lacey: Oh, yeah. It will be a weekly column, "Lacey's take." Wanda: Have you ever written anything before? Lacey: Oh, please, this is the Dog River Howler. It's not the good writing thingy. See, I was purposely making a bad simile there. Wanda: Metaphor. Lacey: Well, I could do better than "Give a hoot, stamp out graffiti." I mean, who cares if somebody painted "Grad '68" on the water tower? Karen Pelly: This editorial about the water tower makes a good point. Davis Quinton: What? Karen: Well, it says that we should paint over the "Grad '68" up there. Davis: Yeah, if you say so. Karen: Oh, come on, Davis, give a hoot. Who painted "Grad '68" up there anyway? Davis: Why are you dwelling on something that happened over 15 years ago? Karen: Wouldn't it be more like 35 years ago? Nice math. You should subscribe to the paper and get yourself a free calculator. Davis: Yeah, well, at least I'm not... Karen: Blonde? Thin? Pretty? Davis: I'm pretty. Oscar Leroy: What the hell did you do to the men's room? Brent: What did you do in the men's room? Oscar: It's too fancy. It smells nice. You don't put money in your bathroom! Don't you know anything? Brent: Did you go in the one with the arrow going up or the cross going down? Oscar: What the hell are you talking about crosses and arrows for? Brent: I think you might have went to the women's room. Hey, are you wearing makeup? Oscar: I'm not! Brent: Honestly, Dad. You worked here 35 years and don't even know where the men's room is? Oscar: So? Which is it, left or right? Brent: Well, I haven't worked here 35 years yet. Oscar: Hah! Lacey: I could be a breath of fresh air to the Howler. You know, I could write editorials with a different point of view. Wanda: What? Are you pro-graffiti? Brent: Hey, Wanda, can I talk to you for a second? Wanda: Yeah. Brent: Listen, you're a very valuable part of Corner Gas and I cannot accept your resignation. Wanda: I never quit. Brent: Oh, you didn't? Wanda: No. Brent: Oh. 'Cause we're still open over there and you're oever here, so I just assumed. Wanda: Okay, message received. See you, Lacey. Lacey: See ya. Brent: Hey, Lacey, I want to put the old bathroom... Lacey (phone): Hello. Ah, this is Lacey Burrows. And I'd like to write to you, uh, for you. I think I can do it, and I'd really like a chance to show you that I can, I can clearly organize my thoughts in, in person. Uh, oh, what I mean is I can organize my thoughts, and I can do it in person, as well as not in person, which would be good, because then then I can write it. Okay, thanks. Bye. Brent: For a written transcript of that message, send $1.98 to what was that about? Lacey: Ah, I want to write for the Howler. Brent: Why don't you talk to Hank. Lacey: Why? Brent: He used to write for the paper. Lacey: Hank did? Brent: Hank, you used to write for the Howler, right? Hank Yarbo: Yeah. A humor column. "Hank's hang-ups." Lacey: Was it funny? Brent: Yeah, it was funny for a newspaper. You know? It was funnier than Andy Capp. It was no Sally Forth but... Lacey: Well, what happened? Hank: I quit. Who's got the time? Karen: Isn't there something better we could be doing? Davis: I guess we could try thwarting that string of diamond heists. Oh, wait! There isn't one. Karen: Yeah, but do we really have to hold up traffic? Davis: Go through old cases if you want to. If you find something better, be my guest. But in my books, holding up traffic isn't a chore. It's a privilege. Karen: Who would do something like that? Davis: Let it go, Karen. Every town has its secrets. And sometimes those secrets are better left alone. It's like looking under a rock. What do you find? Worms and bugs, weird ones. Why not leave the rock down? Karen: And maybe you look under that rock and you find that old spare key that you hid that you've forgotten about. Sure, there are may be weird bugs under there, but now you don't have to go to the key cutter, so maybe it was good thing you lifted the rock. Think about that. Brent: 6, 5, 7. 2, 11, 4, 8, 3, 2, 7... Wanda: Jerk. Davis: Hey, Brent, I love the bathroom. You really spiffed it up. It smells great. Brent: Thanks, Davis. Glad you like it. I think I hung the new bathroom signs on the wrong doors. Wanda: Why do you say that? Karen: That bathroom is disgusting! When was the last time you cleaned up in there? Brent: I think you might have used the men's. Karen: Don't guys know how to aim? Wanda: Oh, gross. I don't want to hear that. Karen: No, I mean it. There were crumbled up paper towels all around the trash. Guys can't aim. Brent: I'll clean it up. But just for the record, I don't think the women's is so much nicer than the men's. Hank: Hey, gang. I'm just going to go freshen myself up. Brent: Hmm. That last action by Hank just seem to contradict what just I said. Wanda: That happens a lot around here. Karen: Hey Brent, can I get a, uh, kit kat? Brent: Yeah, sure. Whoa. Do you ever have that thing where you bend down and get dizzy? Karen: No. Brent: It happens to fighter pilots all the time you know. Wanda: When picking up chocolate bars? Brent: Yeah, laugh it up. Wanda: Hey, Brent, do you ever have that thing where you hear bells in your head. Brent: No. Wanda: Hmm? Brent: Oh, right, gas station. Karen: Oh hey Lacey, I hear you want to write for the Howler. Lacey: Actually I just got off the phone with Gus. Wanda: And? Lacey: He wants me to ask Hank to consider coming back to the paper. Hank: Oh, no. No more writing for me. From now on, I just want to direct. Wanda: You want to direct a newspaper column? Hank: Yeah. Lacey: This just doesn't seem fair, you know. They won't give me a chance, but they'll publish Hank? No offence, Hank, but you're not really good with things, you know, things don't just roll, I...you're not what you would call, um, uh... Hank: Erudite? Lacey: Exactly. I could do better than this. "Upcoming bake sale. First in our six part series." Hank: Bake sale? Karen: Hmm. When? Wanda: Look, Lacey, Hank and I have had our differences. I mean, I think he's kinda weird and, and, and a little annoying. And, to be honest, sometimes he's a little, well he's... Hank: Erudite? Wanda: But he worked hard to get that column. You know, you don't get a column by saying, "Hey, I'd like a newspaper column." Oh, that's how I got mine. Oh, forget it. Karen: I sure did love this article about Grad '68, though. Inspirational. Hank: Why are they dredging up the past? I mean, why can't you all just let things be? Davis: Oh hey, I found my old house key. You're kind of spooky. You might have some kinda sense. Karen: A house key sense? Davis: Obviously not a house key sense. A sort of sixth sense that will help you locate any type of key. Karen: Um, you know how you told me to go through the files? Davis: Yeah? Karen: I got a good lead on a cold case. Davis: Great work, rookie. What is it? Karen: Well take a look at this picture of the water tower. Davis: Not Grad '68? Karen: This picture was taken in 1972. Davis: How much did these pictures cost to get these pictures blown up? Karen: But look. The water tower's unmarked. Davis: You got them dry mounted. That's like 20 bucks each. Karen: Why would someone paint "Grad '68" if it wasn't 1968? Davis: I don't know. But if you figure that out, you'll be halfway to I don't give a damn. Lacey: So I figured if they're not going to give me a column, I'm gonna start with a letter to the editor. Wanda: "Only you can prevent speeding tickets?" Lacey: Yeah. Wanda: Well, now you're ripping off Smokey the Bear. Lacey: Oh, no, it's an homage. What do you think of it? Wanda: Well, it's a little bit clunky in the, uh and the analogies aren't really working. Lacey: I'm great at analogies. I'm like a I... Wanda: It looks like you just dashed it off in 20 minutes. Lacey: I was at the computer for two hours. Wanda: Do you have video games on your computer? Lacey: Maybe. Hank: It's not fair, Brent. It's just not right. Brent: I switched the signs back. The men's room is once again the men's room. Hank: How am I supposed to eat in there now? Brent: How am I supposed to forget you said that? You didn't mind the bathroom before. Hank: That's before I knew what I was missing. Lacey: If you want an analogy, it's kind of like, um, "Paradise Lost." Brent: You're comparing heaven to a gas station washroom. Nice. Lacey: Oh, all right. I see your point. Wanda: Mm-Hmm. Davis: That bathroom is disgusting! Brent: Don't you people have homes? Karen: All right, what have you got for me? Paint Store Clerk: It's inconclusive. Karen: Inconclusive's not good enough. Dig deeper. Follow the evidence. Paint Store Clerk: Geez, it's just a paint store. Why do you want to know all this stuff anyway? Karen: I'm workin' on a cold case. Paint Store Clerk: A cold case? Who cares? Karen: Look, just tell me, how long does spray paint last? Paint Store Clerk: I called the company. They said 15 years, 20 at the most. Karen: 15 years. Thanks. Elderly Customer: Is this green? Paint Store Clerk: I don't have all the answers! Davis: A word, Brent? Brent: Always got time for a posse. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Brent, I want to speak to you as Mayor of Dog River. It's pretty serious. Brent: All right. Fitzy: It's about the men's room. Davis: It's not fair that the men's bathroom is so bad compared to the women's. Brent: You didn't even know how bad it was. Davis: It was like "Paradise Lost." Todd: Good metaphor. Davis: It was a simile. Fitzy: Don't make me pass a bylaw about your bathroom, Brent. Davis: Yeah. And this one I'll enforce, not like those other idiotic ones town council comes up with. Forget that last part I just said. Wanda: Can I make a suggestion? How about a cleanup form? Every day after you clean up the bathroom, you just put a little checkmark on it. Brent: That's perfect. Fitzy: I'm glad you're not in politics. You'd take my job and then I'd become homeless or something. Please, Wanda, don't take my job. It, it's all I got. Emma Leroy: Lacey? Lacey: Oh. Sorry, Emma. I'm, uh, trying to write this column. Emma: Your word processor has sound effects? Lacey: Maybe. I want to write for the Howler. Emma: Oh, great! I used to write for them. Lacey: You did? Emma: I wasn't very good, but they'll take anybody. Lacey: Oh. How did you get your column? Did you write a whole bunch of letters to the editor or something? Emma: No. I just called them up and said "I'd like to work for you." Like I said, they'll take anybody. Lacey: Oh, hey, are you coming out for the wings tomorrow? Emma: I don't know. I like Paul McCartney, but once he left the Beatles... Lacey: I'm talking about chicken wings. Emma: Oh, chicken wings. Brent: I mean don't get me wrong. I love the cleaning form idea. But, you know, Lacey co-owns the bathrooms and she hates change. Lacey: Oh, do whatever you want. I don't care. Brent: Seems to contradicts the last thing I just said. Lacey: I just want to get one letter to the editor printed in the paper. Fitzy: You write for the Howler, don't you Davis? Davis: No. Well, a bridge column. Fitzy: It's good. Todd: I find it too hard. Davis: Deal out the cards and follow along. How many times do I gotta tell ya? Karen: Just take your time. Look at each of them. Do you see him there? Oscar: I think he's this one. Karen: Are you sure? Oscar: Yeah. That's him. Karen: So Brent graduated in '86. Oscar: And I got dragged to the graduation. Why the hell do I have to go? Wow! My son graduated. Big deal. He did what he was supposed to do. Plus I had to buy him a special hat with a tassel and he never even wore it again. Karen: Right. But... Oscar: And you had to sit there and listen to some guy yammer on and on. And they got you there and there's nothing you can do. Just going on and on. Oscar: Well, that's the problem with kids. Sure, they're going to experiment with booze. But by the time you're 13, you should be able to hold your liquor. Karen: Right. Oscar: I told Brent, "if you're too drunk to drive, you call me. I'll come right away and kick your... " Emma: Hello? Karen: Oh, thank god! Emma: Hi, Karen. What are you doing here? Oscar: We're trying to clear up a felony. Is vandalism a felony? It should be. The time was they'd cut your hands off. Emma: Is he bothering you? Oscar: When you find out who did it, call me. No trial. Save the taxpayer some money. I think O.J. was guilty. Brent: Well it took some work, but now the men's room is as clean as the women's. Wanda: Oh, good. I'll christen it. Brent: You're a classy broad, Wanda. Oh hey, did they print your letter? Lacey: No. They printed your dad's, though. He came out against parents having to go to graduations. Oh, and there's one from you, asking them to print my letters to the editor. Brent: Yeah, it was just something I dashed off in 20 minutes. Wanda: That bathroom is disgusting! Brent: I made them the same. Why should the women's room be so special? I'm a feminist. Wanda: Oh! Davis: You want me to stop traffic? I could use my whistle. Karen: Ah, that's okay. Karen: Now, the perp must have leaned over like this, which means he'd have to paint upside down. Davis: So? Karen: In 1993 the Zurich Convention mandated the use of CFC-Free aerosols with reduced nozzle velocity. They're impossible to use in an inverted position. So, "Grad '68" had to be painted sometime between 1972 and 1993. The question is why and by who? Davis: And who cares? Karen: I guess you know why I've gathered you all here. Brent: You didn't gather us here. It's wing night. Oscar: When do they play? The Red Wings. Emma: Chicken wings, you idiot! God, I don't know how you survive! Karen: Well, regardless of why we're all here, I did figure out who painted "Grad '68." It was Brent. Grad night, 1986. Brent applied the paint while leaning over the edge of the water tower. Brent: How'd you know it was me? Karen: You listed it as your post-graduation goal, "To paint Grad 86 on the water tower." Brent: Oh, yeah. Emma: And so ends this elaborate game of cat and mouse. Karen: Not quite. Bending over made you dizzy, just like when you picked up my chocolate bar. So you passed the spray can to your accomplice, Hank. Hank: I never had a mullet. Karen: I don't know what you looked like in 1986. I'm just imagining you with a mullet. Oscar: What's a mullhead? Hank: If you want to imagine what I looked like back in high school, take a look at my picture in my yearbook. Karen: Fine. Bending over made Brent dizzy, so he passed the spray can to his accomplice, Hank. Hank: I slept in on picture day. Karen: Due to the awkward position, Hank painted the numbers upside down. Davis: Ah. But "86" upside down isn't "68." It's "98." Karen: Yeah. But we're talking about Hank. Hank: I stand by my work had I done it. Emma: Well, that's it, then. Check, please. Karen: Hold on, Emma. You were there too. You and Brent had an understanding, if he was drunk, you would drive him. Oscar: That's crazy, if Brent called home drunk, I would have gone, to beat the crap out of him. Karen: Somehow Emma distracted you. Oscar: Are you saying I'm that easy to distract? Emma: Look, Oscar. This spoon is dirty. Oscar: Really? Hmm. Karen: Once she got to the water tower, who knows? Maybe Emma even helped Hank and Brent fulfill their goal. Lacey: I still don't understand how all this could have happened without somebody seeing it from down on the street. Karen: Unless somebody helped stop traffic. Admit it, Davis. You'll stop traffic at the drop of a hat. Davis: I was young and bored. Thin and pretty. Wanda: What the hell happened? Hank: You got no proof. You got nothin', nothin'. I want to cut a deal. Karen: Everybody was in on this crime. It's sort of like the Orient Express. Brent: I think I ate there once. Karen: No, the Agatha Christie book. All the suspects teamed up to do the crime. Hank: Well, I guess don't have to finish reading that one. Brent: Okay, you got me. That's pretty much how it happened. Now I, uh, don't see any chicken wings. So here's what I look like leaving. Hank: Hah! It's Brent's word against ours. Emma: That's what happened, Karen. Hank: Well, I mean other than Brent and Emma, you got no proof. Davis: It looks like you figured it out, rookie. As we say in bridge, the trick is yours. Hank: Well, other than Brent and Emma and Davis, you got no proof. So cut a deal, because without my testimony, you got nothin'. Davis: Where are my keys? Spooky. Lacey: Way to kill wing night. Karen: Sorry. Lacey: Well, I got the bathrooms done. At least I accomplished something. Karen: Still no luck with the Howler, eh? Lacey: No. Everybody I know has written for it. Just not me, I guess. Karen: Well, Lacey, I was thinking that whole story about Grad '68 might make an interesting feature for the Howler. You know, if somebody wanted to write it. Lacey: You're right. Thanks, Karen. Category:Transcripts